I have a job interview tomorrow for an assistant store manager position. I'd really like to get this job and gain the experience I desperately need, but I'm also holding out for the job I really want. I'm also worried I'm working so hard toward these new goals in my life, that I'm letting other people down for not following the original dream path. I feel so much guilt sometimes for working so hard and spending so much money on a degree that I'm not using. I feel like I've let my parents, myself, and all my other supporters during those struggles down. And no matter how hard I try to convince myself and them that I'm much happier doing what I do now, and I'm even starting to feel like this is more of what God has planned for me, I still feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and disappointment. I'm trying to stay positive and pray about this, and those closest to me have been a wonderful support system, but I still feel like I have something to prove with this new job. I think, in part, my guilt comes from a deeply rooted jealousy towards others too. This has got to stop. I need to work much harder on focusing on my goals and God's plans for ME, not what the guy next to me is doing, or making, or has. I know it doesn't matter in the long run.
I'm so thankful for all the things I do have, and when it comes down to it I'm one of the richest people in the world. I have such a wonderful family support system whom I can never thank enough for everything they do and how quick they are there in an emergency ready with the band-aids! I have the most loving and adoring fiance, (whom I shall refer to as Sammykins or Sam the Man in later blogs ;) ) and I can't wait to be his wife and start our own family and spend the rest our lives together! I have clothes on my back, a roof over my head that I'm able to pay for, and food to eat. I should want for NOTHING, and yet I still hear myself saying everyday, "if only i had this, if only i had that, i wish, i want, blah blah blah" I need to start my day with thank-yous and not demands/wants from God. I'm trying to spend more one-on-one time with him every evening, but I let so many other trivial things get in our way. Tonight was a good start, and I hope it continues tomorrow...after a successful interview! :)
Well, this may not have made much sense, but my eyes and mind feel heavy and ready for sleep, so at least this was a physical success! Goodnight world and God bless!
